why am i being like this?

Hey world! i don’t plan on feeding my blog with negativity but i really need a platform to pour things out. Recently, i have been very sensitive, unmotivated and paranoid for all reasons. I guess it got worse when i had a mini fall out with my friend and boy was i surprised on how i handled it. I was never one to confront a person with any issues i had with them or even tell my friends about my insecurities (you could say that i was being defensive, prideful blahblahblah i don’t care lol). Anyway, before that confrontation, X (let’s call that friend which i had a fall out with), Y (another good friend) and I were on super good terms, so we hanged out and chill etc. We even had a very active group chat, and spent late nights chatting with each other, basically what good friends do. X was the one who created the group due to his/her emo nights about a person he/she liked. I tried to be there for him/her, gave him/her advises, cheer him/her up a little etc. So at that point of time, he/she told me that it wasn’t a right time to reveal who that person was, and i didn’t probed either (i respected his/her decision to not tell me as i understand the vulnerability that he/she may feel). I told him/her: its okay, i understand, when you feel like telling me just go ahead but for the mean time just cheer up. FAST FORWARD…… (during that period we chatted about other things and also about that person and i didn’t probed who that person was either. As a friend, i tried to give all my support and whatever advises i could think of etc)……. one day X revealed a picture in the group and asking Y and I to guess who he/she is? so we were “idk, give us some hints?”. X replied “i wore the same colour of clothes as that person”. From that hint, it was extremely who that person was and i was so happy to find out that this person had such good grades and nice personality. X even told me that person’s Instagram handle and even gave me the permission to stalk her… so I DID. FAST FORWARD AGAIN….. in feb, my bf didn’t like me chatting till late at night with X and i even replied X’s msgs faster than my bf’s. So he was irritated and i felt apologetic. I told X about this problem as i was feeling down and couldn’t comprehend why he would have acted that way. Puzzled and upset, i looked for both X and Y for helped. They were really nice with comforting and assuring me etc. In the end, my bf and I solved our issues, talked it out and made up. After this hiccup with my bf, i could feel X slowly distancing away from me. For instance, i will ask X out to hang out and X would decline/avoid my message/changed topic etc. It was an obvious sign that any sound person could have seen it and yet idk what has gotten into me, i didn’t give up. I continued asking X to hangout and the same thing happened. I WAS AFRAID TO LOSE X AS A FRIEND. I didn’t want to tell my bf about it but eventually he found out and i told him, so one day he decided to ask X  behind my back cus i warned him not to as i DO NOT like confrontation. But he saw how upset i was and felt so sorry for the state that i was in. Basically, X was afraid that being too close to me would affect my  r/s with my bf and told my bf his/her rationale etc. SO my bf ask X to explain it to me and what’s worse was the night before i dmed X saying “can i ask u smth” and i freak out immediately. X replied with “YES?”. Next morning X dmed me again with “im waitinggggg”. But i couldn’t bring myself to ask X why he/she was acting liked that. in the end, my bf told me tell him that i knew everything and i did. As for Y (another good friend), X actually consulted her for advises before distancing away from me and i just felt so betrayed and all sorts of emotions started flowing in – one moment i was upset, the next i was laughing at how FOOLISH I WAS and i cried lol dumb moment.

Eventually X didn’t talked to me about this issue but instead decided to start the convo with a happier mood, which i thanked X for that and telling me things that happened between that person and I on how they were getting along. I genuinely felt happy for X, guess what…. all along that person whom X gave me his/her Instagram handle, showed me the picture and even the name was A LIE. It was to cover up his/her actual crush, to steer me away from finding out who that real person was…. which i eventually found out myself and got confirmation from those that he told (Y and another friend). I thought all long i was a good friend that X could confide in, to share his/her problems and to hang out. I felt so defeated in a game that I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW I WAS PLAYING. CAN U FUCKING BELIEVED IT LOL. X lied to me, distance away from me etc saying it was for the best. ermmmmm….. aren’t you aware that i have feelings too lol. X even claimed i was being a little sensitive…whut? anyway, i hid all these thoughts away from X and just carrying on being normal. He even qns Y to see if she told me?! and then came back to reply me saying”i don’t mind if you know, its the others im worried about”….. so why wasn’t i informed lol. X even claimed that we were good frineds/bff….so BFF no more 🙂 So after the mini fall out, we returned being friends and how X told me that he/she misses me so much as a friend which i doubt. I have trust issues for people who betrayed me. I mean like if you don’t want to tell me who that person was, its fine. BUT YOU DON’T HAVE TO COME UP WITH AN ACT TO COVER UR ASS. grab some balls and MAN up lol im not so weak that even a sentence like “i dun feel like revealing it to u now even if u want to know who. im not ready.” could break me apart. of course i will reply “cool, as long u r happy and things r going well then that’s all matters.”. YOU DON’T HAVE TO SAY “OH I DUN MIND U KNOWING” TO COVER UP FOR UR ACTUAL INTENTION.

To X,
thank you for all those great memories that we shared and enjoyed. i appreciate all of them but sadly i could not comprehend the rationale for your actions or even validate them to see why you have done them. we are both at fault so im not blaming you. i should not have confronted you, i should be quiet and let it all go away. I should not be salty when i see Y and you hanging out tgt (like how all 3 of us would hang out). i should be stronger than to let myself divulged into negativity and hatred. I won’t lie that i held a huge grudge against you which explained my awkwardness around your presence. Im sorry for being such a sensitive bitch and clueless friend who don’t even know that i was being lied. Im sorry for creating a small drama between you, me, my bf and Y. i would take it all back if i could turn back in time and settle myself into something far more valuable and enriching. I shouldn’t have completely wasted my time thinking about our friendship. Im sorry our friendship meant nothing to you. All in all, i thank you so much and will always love you as a friend. xx
cheers,
A.

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